Rome.– In a shocking string of revelations, erstwhile “Pope” Cardinal Francis the Mule revealed the retirement of Pope St. Benedict was merely a ruse as part of a grand, godly counter-conspiracy to uproot the Lavender Ill*m*n*tt* Mafia inside the Vatican.
“It was a closerun thing, I have to admit,” stated Cardinal Francis. “I mean, you ask yourself how people could believe this asinine character I was playing could really be a ‘Pope’. It’s like the Sandy Hook hoax actors, you just wonder sometimes how people can lap up this horseshit.”
As thirty-seven mostly gay, mostly pedophile, and oftentimes secretly Jewish former “cardinals” were burned at the stake in front of St. Peter’s, a triumphant Pope St. Benedict gave oral readings from the text of Dante’s Divine Comedy and also the “One Cock Rule” Ode by dah GBFM(TM).
Meanwhile, Queen Marie of France offered her own press conference from the bridge of the aircraft carrier Michel Ney, one of seven newly revealed Charles de Gaulle class carriers previously unknown to exist, where she is heading a task force engaged in sinking all “refugee” boats attempting to launch upon the Mediterranean.
During her briefing, Her Highness praised the effectiveness of Nexter’s new Charles Martel tanks, with their 140mm autoloader main cannon, in demolishing the negro precincts in Paris.
“Africans, detested everywhere, have imposed their odious smell and noxious presence upon our holy French lands for too long. A moment of negritude is an eternity of hell, but today, that infernal cohort is driven back in a rain of blood and fire!”
Pope St. Benedict meanwhile extended his greetings to the newly installed Patriarch of Constantinople, and proclaimed his desire to share in the Easter observances in the restored Hagia Sophia.
From his brunch meeting today in Moscow with President Putin, President Trump expressed his enthusiasm for the latest European developments. “Lots of burning bad guys. Benedict– a saint and a genius– and he’s a tough, tough guy, that you can believe. Lots of great stuff. Making Europe great again, and I can tell you, I’m taking a lot of notes from these guys.”
In other news, Oh My Girl’s JinE joined the band on stage in Busan, where Lovelyz, Laboum, A Pink, and WJSN were the fellow headliners to raise funds for a charity drive to rid the world of immigration.